Motivate your Troubled Teens

Now that it's spring and the end of school is practically here, teenagers across the country are slacking off at school in anticipation of summer. Of course, motivating teens is a year-round challenge, but the warm weather can sure heat up the battle ("Did you do your homework?" "No." "Do your homework!" "No."). Instead of fighting with your teen, the parents of Parent Soup recommend taking a back seat, offering support without making demands. If it sounds hard, that's because it is. But the voices below can help you realize that getting frustrated isn't the best way to get your teens to take action.

Say Good-bye to Nagging.

"I have two daughters, aged 16 and 13. The way that I motivate them is to be sure that they aren't allowed to watch TV, go online, talk on the phone or go out unless their chores (homework, piano practice, cleaning up) are done. I don't tell them they have to do these things; I just tell them that if they don't, they don't get to do the fun stuff. We have many a day where nothing gets done but it's not much of a fight around here anymore. I just have to remember that if they don't choose to do the chores, I can't nag them. I ask them to give me a half-hour a day to do whatever chores they choose. They really appreciated me allowing them to pick and choose what they do to help out; it gives them a sense of teamwork around the house. It certainly makes them realize that you are allowing them to be part of the adult team that runs that household."

Let Them Make Their Own Mistakes

"Our son, almost 16, had been an honor roll student up until ninth grade. Now his grades are slipping. But we've learned with our older daughter that kids have to learn the importance of good grades on their own. The more pressure we put on him, the harder he digs his heels in. So I've finally decided that if he fails a class, he'll be the one taking it again, not me. No, I haven't given up on him, I can only show him the way. As parents we have to remember that, for the most part, they and we will live through this and be stronger people for it! Wouldn't it be boring to have kids that always did exactly what we wanted?"

Change the Game

"I have a 17-year-old daughter, who is fast losing her life-long interest in sports. What we have learned is we have to let her make her own mistakes. When she resists going to practice despite our encouragement, or what have you, she obviously wants to be in control of the situation and this is her way of doing it. The more anger I show, the more in control she is. Instead, I support her decisions, whatever they may be. I show no anger, no matter how much what she is doing to her life hurts me. Then the 'game' is no longer any fun and things may change. This is advice I received from another parent on Parent Soup and it has helped to console me. It's very hard not to show any emotions, but I think I am starting to see a change in my daughter's attitude and it's only been a couple of weeks."

Make a Contract

"I have a 14-year-old son going on 23-years-old (he thinks). He is angry at the world and unconcerned with his bad performance in school. I took some drastic changes in my parenting -- he is now responsible for his own grades without my prodding but with my reinforcement and assistance, within reason. This year I decided to pay him for acceptable grades and he has to pay me for unacceptable grades: we did a contract and he had to come up with the initial rules and contract. I can't believe it, but it worked! He is now making As and Bs with an occasional C."

Look at Your Role in a Different Light

"I personally believe that teens are the best years. But they are certainly not the easiest for them or us. The secret of successfully parenting teenagers is to remember that you do not want to be their judge. Rather, you want to be their cheerleader."