The Bottom Line Peer groups carry a lot of influence over a teenager. What is a parent to do?

I have four natural children, a son age 19, a daughter age 16, another daughter age 13, and my youngest daughter is 8. When I first started having children and people would tell me that raising boys was easier than raising girls, I laughed it off. But now that I am facing numerous challenges with my 13-year-old daughter I have to wonder if there is some truth to that idea.

My 13-year-old is in eighth grade. She has a core group of friends; kids she has been friends with for several years. Kids that I like, families I know, relationships I am comfortable with. When she started middle school she had gone from a sheltered, parent-participation alternative school program to the big scary world of older kids. Now, she did handle this transition fairly smoothly.

Last summer she asked to go to a public swimming pool on the lower South Hill of Spokane with one of her friends. Now, this is one of the worst areas in town for crime and gang-related activity, so I was a bit nervous. But it is also one of the nicest and best maintained public pools in town. It was afternoon, and I figured a couple hours would not be a problem.

And it wasn't. Except that she met another girl there, a girl who was a year older and a whole lot more street-wise. This girl lived across the street from the pool, and my daughter would occasionally ask to go swimming with her. Then, a few months ago she went to this girl's house from her stepfather's home. In the evening she called me and asked if she could "skip school the next day to go shopping with her friend." I said absolutely not, that was not an acceptable reason to miss school.

It took hours for me to get her home, because the people in the household kept lying to me about her being there. The girl whom she had befriended actually called me and asked if my daughter was home, knowing full well she was still there with her. To make a long story short, I went and picked up my daughter and told her that this girl's home was off-limits. My daughter asked me why, and I explained that as a parent part of my job was to keep her safe and this was not only a bad area of town with a lot of crime, I was unhappy with the supervision that was occurring in that home and I was really upset about the people in the house lying to me.

Nothing more about this particular friend until two days ago, when my daughter asked if she would be able to go over there again. I said no. I did not feel comfortable with the environment, I did not trust the people, and I didn't feel it was a safe place for her to be. Last night she asked again and became extremely angry with me when I again told her no. I told her that if she wanted to spend time with the girl, she could come over here. This did not satisfy my daughter, and her unwillingness to look at alternatives made me believe that something was going to go on at that house tonight. Something I did not want my daughter to be around. I suggested she spend time with one of her other friends, but she wouldn't even listen at that point.

This particular child and I have always had more difficulty in communicating that I have with my older daughter and my son. She is head-strong and independent; both qualities that I think will stand her in good stead as she gets older. But in the meantime, how to keep her safe until she is old enough to make good choices on her own?

Parenting teenagers is never going to be easy. I am a firm believer in allowing teenagers to make as many of their own decisions as possible, in a safe environment. How else are they going to learn to make those choices and decisions when they are adults? Trial and error? I think it is better to learn as they go rather than having it hit all at once when they reach adulthood.

Communication is the absolute key. During the upset last night, I remained calm and collected. I maintained my reasoning and repeated my reasons every time she asked. I did not respond when she started yelling that I was mean and that she hated me.

Before she went to bed, she came up to me, gave me a hug, and told me she loved me. And asked if one of her good friends could spend time with us this weekend.

I frankly am afraid of the potential peer group my daughter seems to be occasionally wavering toward. Kids with no controls, no responsibilities, no accountability. I can't stop my daughter from choosing those peers; but I will do my best to maintain communication and discuss things with her in a reasonable manner. She is not a child, she is a young adult.

I can't forbid her from seeing this other girl, because forbidden fruit is the sweetest and that would only drive her closer to the girl and further away from me. But I can set the limits as to when she will have contact with this girl, and it will be in our home. My daughter now understands that I will not waver on this, and I think she has come to understand my reasons even if she does not like them or agree with them.

One of the topics that came out in our conversation last night was safety. I emphasized that I wanted to keep her safe, and I could not allow her to go somewhere that I felt was not safe. Safety is not the primary focus for a teenager; they are more interested in fun and friends. But in some small way, I think she appreciated knowing how much I care about her. Her hug last night was a little warmer and tighter than it has been lately.

Who said parenting was easy?